Be a barbarian; it will put hair on your chest

With adrenaline-fueled shouts and cries for blood and war, Bethany found itself under siege by a battalion of battle-crazed barbarians.

On Friday, Apr. 12 the brave warriors from the Tribe of Teigen and Clan Gullixson gathered once again for their annual Barbarian Run.

Photo submitted by Danielle Marzinske
Photo submitted by Danielle Marzinske

The night began in the main hall of Fort Gullixson with the ritualistic smearing of the war paint and bragging of past victories in the Barbarian Runs of old.

Once all the men were satisfied with their makeup and their bloodlust had been sufficiently curdled, the long and arduous march toward the Promised Land began. Down the street of the Elms they flew in pursuit of their beautiful boons. The real test began as the rowdy band began their ascent of the great hill known as Marsh. It was here that the weak were weeded out and the rapscallions were separated from the mere rabble-rousers.

The men who reached the precipice of the great mount halted at Meyer Manor to rouse themselves for their final assault. Here the warriors’ lust for battle was provoked by inspirational speeches and shows of physical strength.

“It was fun to pillage a village and to let out the manliness society forbids us to unleash,” said Ezekiel Kroll, a junior and seasoned veteran of the Barbarian Run.

As the heat ruffians’ passion hit a fever pitch, they began their final charge toward Castle Anderson, legendary home of the finest women in all of the Kingdom of Bethany.

The timbers in the gates of Castle Anderson were strong but were no match for the brutes as they stormed through, greeting the gatekeepers as they passed.

The halls of Castle Anderson soon rang loudly with shrieks of terror and cries of battle as the unsuspecting and hapless maidens were ruthlessly snatched from their quarters and dragged out by the vicious savages to the main castle square where all could see their prize.

“The Barbarian Run allowed me to tap into the manly beast within myself that I had previously never unleashed,” chortled junior and first-time barbarian Diedrick Hansen. “Now that it’s out, though, I may never be able to tame it again.”

“Yaaarghhh!” was the hearty greating of choice for senior and long-time barbarian Alex Sina as he descended upon his victim, freshman Kasarah Smart, who responded with a forceful, “ahhhh”.

The poor women were then dragged away from their castle toward the traditional pit of flames, where there was much boasting of conquest and indulging of sugary treats.

Once the victory feast had been consumed and the fires had gone down the noble savages kindly thanked their lovely lasses for accompanying them and proceeding to return them to their homes, as all good barbarians should. Bidding them farewell and the sweetest of dreams, the gentlemen departed from their delightful damsels and rushed off toward their next conquest.

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